My Little Pony: Assault is Magic

* Comic by Brittany. Concept and coloring by Liza.
Check out more comics by Brittany at the Personal Autopsy. 

You know how sexual assault can teach you a valuable lesson about friendship? Me neither. Judge Hatch would disagree with you as she told a victim of assault that "If she wouldn't have been there that night, none of this would have happened to you". Please sign the petition to have her resign.

The petition currently has over 16,000 signatures. Add yours. 

Note: Judge Hatch has issued a statement, in which she apologizes to the victim and states that she has "learned an important lesson".

Valentines Single's Dinner for Two

You walk into the your apartment and close the door behind you. The lights are dimmed and a faint sound drifts through the air. You make a mental note to pay your electricity.

A delicious aroma fills your senses. You stumble, blindly into the kitchen- narrowly avoiding falling to your doom via a stack of misplaced magazines. The plastic table is set for dinner. You sniff again, inhaling the fishy scent.

A light tap on your shoulder alerts you to another's presence. You turn and a fury paw swats at your face.

You have stumbled upon a Valentine's Single's Dinner for Two. Meow.

A tuna steak is set at your place. A half empty bottle of wine sits next to it uncorked. On the other side is a round dish. Fluffy is written on it in marker. A can of cat food in the center with a can opener laid delicately across.

You choose not to question how your cat managed to cook tuna, but cannot manage the can opener.

You are wise human.

You eat your dinner in a daze, trying not to gaze into the glowing eyes following your every move across the table. Finally, you finish your food. You rise to leave, only to find a paw on your wrist, stopping you. Claws sink slowly into your shirt as you freeze. Then you slowly sit back down. The claws retract.

It's time for dessert. The box confuses you for a moment. Pizza? But then you slowly open it and smell the sugar and butter. Perhaps being single isn't so bad after all. The message confuses you, but no matter, you're clearly out of your gourd. Might as well enjoy it.

Now where did you put that catnip?

American Food

Americans like to eat. They like it a lot. They love eating so much that our restaurants seemed dedicated to creating more ways to eat more food at one time. Burgers stacked with omelettes or fried eggs, portobello mushrooms and fried onion rings.

Our buns are going through a revolution. Why should we be forced to eat basic bread? Our burgers shall be between the bigger and superior buns of the American public. Brioche or grilled? Wheat or white? Donuts or grilled cheese sandwiches?

After viewing these creations for myself, I've decided to come up with the next big thing in food.

Behold, the concoctions that will revolutionize meals forever.

Delivery available soon. Don't leave that couch.

The Workweek:

For those too busy to eat at normal mealtimes.

A Belgian waffle, coated in oatmeal and fried. Topped with yogurt and crushed sugary cereal. With a chicken-fried steak wrapped in bacon and a steak-fried chicken balanced over that. Fried linguine with fresh clams is tenderly positioned. A plain waffle tops that off. Waffle fries are sprinkled and topped with two grilled cheese sandwiches. An assortment of five cupcakes holds up a roast beef club sandwich, hold the onions. Lastly another fried oatmeal waffle closes off the sandwich. The assemblers use a mallet to pound a stake through the heart of the dish. Then they dipped the entire thing in milk chocolate laced with chili powder. Served w/ your choices of chips and a bottomless cup of soda.

Valentine Open-Heart Surgery:

What better way to say 'I love you', then sinking up your heart surgeries with this dessert.

A buttery cake for two in the shape of a heart, with alternating layers of cake and pink frosting, topped with a flour-less chocolate cake. A deep chocolate ganache is poured over the entire thing. Then it is wrapped in pie dough and deep fried. Then the heart shaped pastry is baked into a strawberry pie that is topped with a sugary cookie crust. Then the top of the pie is covered in strawberry ice cream and topped with a thick meringue. The entire thing is placed into the oven just long enough for the meringue to firm. Strawberry dipping sauce on the side. Scalpels provided. Can you find the heart shaped surprise in the center?

Grilled Cheesecake Milkshake:

A half a cup of whole milk, blended with a double layered piece of cheesecake, a dollop of frosting. Assembled with a "slice" of nature's drinkable bread on either end- high quality beer. A grilled cheese sandwich without the hassle of needing teeth.

Tiny Sandwiches

When I think of tea parties, I think of tiny sandwiches that make you increasingly hungrier. Specifically, I think of sandwiches piled high with one of those vegetables that burn more calories than they put into your body and make you feel better about eating a pound of mini-gingerbread cupcakes… and butter.

I’m a guest at Liza’s house at the moment. To celebrate the most recent episode of Downton Abbey, we combined culinary forces and turned Liza’s Victorian parlor into a historically inaccurate Edwardian tea party that the Dowager Countess of Grantham surely would have frowned upon. The first thing on the menu, naturally, was the tiny cucumber sandwich.

The tiny cucumber sandwich is the quintessential teatime sandwich. It’s just enough sandwich to wash down your Earl Grey and hold you over until dinner time. There are many possibilities for variation – herbed butter, cheeses, mint, ciabatta rolls. There’s nothing British about ciabatta rolls, but sometimes one must accept the limitations of one’s pantry. Don’t fret, we will tell you how to make them properly.

Tiny Cucumber Sandwiches

(Adapted from the Coffee/Tea section of About.com)

¼ - ½ cup white wine vinegar

An English cucumber cut into thin slices

1 loaf of soft white bread sliced thinly

2 tablespoons softened butter

¼ teaspoon dried rosemary

Salt and pepper to taste

1. Let the butter reach room temperature in warm place a few hours before making the sandwich.

2. Pour the white wine vinegar over a bowl of cucumber slices. Let the cucumbers soak for a half hour.

3. Chop your dried rosemary into little bits and prepare for it to pop into your face. Mix the little rosemary bits into your softened butter.

4. Remove the vinegar from the bowl of cucumbers and wipe up the excess liquid on the slices with a paper towel.

5. Spread the rosemary butter onto each slice of bread and layer the cucumbers on top of the butter on half of the slices. Add salt and pepper, if you like. Put the remaining slices on top.

6. Slice off the crusts and cut the sandwiches into smaller pieces. You might cut them into triangles, squares or long rectangles. Enjoy with a haughty air.

The Perfect Drinking Game - Downton Abbey

"I'm a woman, Mary. I can be as contrary as I choose." Lady Grantham

And so we drank.

Herbal tea, that is. Sunday night was the third episode of the second season of Downton Abbey aired, and as Brittany and I were in the same room on this joyous occasion it only seemed right that we have a viewing party. But what would be the theme?

'Of course!' Thought Brittany, 'An Edwardian tea. With tiny cupcakes and sandwiches. Where's the butter? Do you have any margarine?'

'Of course!' Said I, 'The tea is the thing! A lovely Victorian tea party.'

'Edwardian.'

'Gesundheit.'

While scouring the internet for the perfect recipes to use, we came across other articles about parties hosted by other Downton lovers. One thing caught our eye- a drinking game. The rules were simple. When Lady Grantham, played by the incredibly talented Maggie Smith, said a witty one-liner, everybody took a drink.

This amused us, but we had no wish to die of alcohol poisoning, as those who laughingly thought up the game before must have done. Let us now bow our heads in silence for their departure from this world...

It was decided that the cakes should be vegan and the frosting too. The sandwiches were decidedly not, as they were made with butter and a bit of brie. I refer you to Lady Grantham on this one.

We scuttled about, creating our sandwiches and making our cakes. Then we positioned ourselves in front of the television, and raised our mugs.

***

I shall now give you, dear reader, a play-by-play of the events that took place.

"He's going to die! No, sorry, I meant his mother. Definitely his mother."
"Dead. Dead...sooo dead."
"I knew that was going to happen. It was just like Gilmore Girls when Lorelai sings karaoke and Luke walks in."

Don't Know What to Read Next? Neither Do I.

With the New Year well on it's way, we all must decide when exactly to stop this charade that we will be completing our New Year's Resolutions. The gym is simply too far away, chocolate tastes too good, wishing doesn't make the job market better, and no matter how many times you try them, kale chips don't taste like potato chips. They just don't.

But one easy resolution you can follow is the pledge to read more. Reading reduces stress, is fun, and occasionally free. Personally, I don't know what I'd do without a library card.

If you don't have one, now is a perfect time to sign up.

Then the only problem will be what to read next.

I never can collect enough book recommendations. The worst thing is to be left in the middle of your public library with stacks of books surrounding you and having nothing to read. I've tried picking random books from the shelves, but that can lead to a lot of wasted time if you pick a subpar book. Of course, sometimes this is the only way to find a precious gem of a book.

Here's a list of what books, I'm planning to read in 2012 and 10 books or book series that I would recommend to others.

Books to Read (2012)

1. Catching Fire /Mockingjay (Hunger Games Trilogy) by Suzanne Collins

In the second (and first) book, teenagers who live in a heavily controlled society, are forced to play the Hunger Games, a televised fight to the death.

The first edition in the series, the Hunger Games, was a joy to read. I haven't read a book in a while that I was able to sit down and read in only two sittings. The characters really draw you into the story. I can only describe the first book as the potato chips of dystopian fiction. The Hunger Games was a basic rehashing of ideas that are popular in dystopian science fiction. But it's the reactions of the characters to the horrible situations that they are in that make it an engaging read.

Basically, it's a lot of fun. And violence. Don't forget the violence.

2. Seeds of Betrayal (Book Two of the Winds of the Forelands) by David B. Coe

Book Two of the Winds of the Forelands series. The first book started off strong, with a compelling story of a would be future King framed for murder, a plot to take over the kingdom, magic and prejudice. I can't wait to delve deeper into the complex world Coe has created.

3. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

A young woman who recently has returned home from college writes a tell-all book about the lives of black maids in white households in the 1960's.

4. Inheritance by Christopher Paolini

Why? Because I read the first three books.

While not my favorite fantasy series, I think Paolini manages to entertain while giving fantasy readers nothing new. I read the third book when it came out, thinking it was the last one, only to discover to horror about a hundred pages from the end, that the series had been expanded from a trilogy. But I like to finish stories. So I will read this one as well.

5. The Last of the Dragonslayers/ The Song of the Quarkbeast by Jasper Fforde

I have a love-hate relationship with this author. You may notice that I have listed one of his books in my top ten books to read. That's because his books can be hysterical, witty and lighthearted. But they can also be downright cruel to his main characters, as was the case with the novel, Shades of Grey. However, I think Fforde is very talented and I am curious to see if this series is more lighthearted then his last book.

6. Bossy Pants by Tina Fey

It's about Tina Fey. And she's awesome. I need no other reason.

***

These are a few of my favorite books from my childhood to books I just finished six months ago. From the beginning of the tale "Why am I this way?" to "Oh, that's what happened."

Books I've Loved (2012)

1. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

Arthur Dent is having a bad day. The earth has been blown up to make way for a hyperspace pathway, his best friend is an alien, and he's still in his bathrobe. Quirky, zany, hysterical. If the very idea of a manically depressed robot doesn't make you giggle...this may not be the book for you.

2. The Perilous Gard by Elizabeth Marie Pope

A smart young woman is exiled to an isolated castle, where she is kidnapped by the Fairy Folk and must find a way to save herself and another.

3. Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin

A teenager dies in an accident and wakes up to find herself in Elsewhere, a sort of heaven, where everyone ages backwards.

4. Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde

Thursday is a Literary Detective in a world where certain cheeses are outlawed and pet dodos are common. Plenty of wordplay to delight anyone who loves books. The series begins with The Eyre Affair. (Note: Read Jane Eyre first.)

5. The Diamond in the Window by Jane Langton

Two children play a dangerous game in their dreams, as they try to find long lost children and set a prince free. An imaginative book I loved as a child.

6. The Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsella

A lighthearted series about a shopaholic who tries to break the habit. A nice bit of fluff to perk up your day.

7. The Lost Years of Merlin by T. A. Baroon

The early years of Merlin, before the Arthurian myths began. Baroon explores the mysterious origins of Merlin as you've never seen them before.

8. Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine

Cinderella with a twist. Ella is a young woman, forced by fairy magic to obey any order. Her mother dead and her father on the road, Ella begins a journey to break the curse. A great coming of age story.

9. The Dark is Rising series by Susan Cooper

A tale of magic following the Old Ones, magical guardians who live outside of time, and a group of young children. The Arthurian myths are weaved in throughout. Throughly imaginative.

10. Death on the Nile by Agatha Christie

Agatha Christie is the undisputed queen of the mystery novel. Death on the Nile is one of her very best.

What books are next on your list?

Libraries

I recently moved to a new town and was elated to discover a library in walking distance of my apartment, ever available as a peaceful work space and an outlet for idle book browsing. One day I decided to abandon my work and check out the library. My apartment is in a primarily Spanish-speaking area, so I quickly realized that half of the fiction section was in Spanish. (I now regret dropping the ball with the Spanish language Rosetta Stone I started in the fall.)

I looked for authors that I know and enjoy to gauge the inventory of the fiction section. For every author I searched for, I found one with a similar name who wrote a book about moms. For instance, where I hoped to find Virginia Woolf, I found Virginia Walf, author of Mom’s Day Out or Mom’s the Word. I quickly determined that I would have to use interlibrary loan to find books that are not specifically for and about moms. Or in Spanish.

Then, to my dismay, the library closed for construction, leaving me with only the enormous bookcase in my own apartment. After a month of patiently writing in the crowded Starbucks, the library has finally reopened. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll test out the renovated premises and search for some of the books I’d like to read this year.

Do you have an enormous bookcase might as well be its own library? Do you pass so many good reads onto enthusiastic friends that you forgot what was on the shelves in the first place? Maybe it’s time you invested in a personal library kit. The need to put little cards in the back of your own books must have occurred to you at one time or another, as you wondered whether your copy of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies fell behind your desk or remains forgotten under a pile of sneakers in your brother’s closet? Perhaps it’s time to subject friends and family to library bureaucracy in your own home, complete with fines and a Dewey Decimal System.

Another idea for an enormous bookcase: Hide your heirloom treasures and embarrassing secrets in a hollowed-out book. This post from the blog Build Castles in Air will tell you exactly how to do it. Buried in between dozens of other books, no one will ever guess that your copy of Square Foot Gardening actually contains evidence of your latest crime spree.

Books for a New Year

It’s a new year and as good of a time as ever to breathe some life into this Battered Women blog. Let’s get literary.

I compiled a list of ten books I want to read this year. They aren’t all recent, nor are they all about food. Many of them are waiting on my shelf right now, becoming fully exasperated with my endless blogging.

Books I Want to Read in 2012

1. Welcome to Higby by Mark Dunn – I started this one on the train today. The story centers on a small town of eccentrics and religious fanatics. Mark Dunn writes really fantastic dialogue – a man preaching the gospel to a cat and a woman taking budgeting advice from her sassy, black guardian angel.

2. The Master and Margarita by Mikail Bulgakov – From what I gather, Satan ambles into Moscow like he owns the place, the relationship between Soviet society and artists is explored, and an enormous talking cat imbues a great deal of vodka. There’s also a story within a story about Jesus.

3. The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender – A girl goes through life tasting the emotions of other’s through the food they cook. Liza enjoyed this book immensely and now it’s gracing the shelf of borrowed books in my enormous bookcase. (You might remember a previous post long, long ago about The Girl with the Flammable Skirt.)

4. Swamplandia! by Karen Russell – I loved the observant and precocious child narrators in St. Lucy’s Home for Girls Raised by Wolves. Swamplandia! appears to expand on one of my favorite short stories from the collection, “Ava Wrestles the Alligator.”

5. Stranger Things Happen by Kelly Link –.One might mistake this for a Nancy Drew mystery based on the cover art. It’s a short story collection drawing from fairy tales, Greek mythology, and famous acts of cannibalism.

6. Invisible Cities by Italo Calvino – Marco Polo tells stories about cities he has seen while traveling to Kublai Khan as his empire crumbles. Sounds magical.

7. Only Revolutions by Mark Z. Danielewski – Two starry-eyed teenagers embark on a metaphoric road trip through history. I need to tackle this now because Danielewski’s 27 volume project about cats will probably take a great deal of time to read.

8. Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke – This historical account of wizardry in England during the Napoleonic Wars told in witty British prose and footnotes was recommended to me by a friend. Totaling in at one thousand and twenty-four pages, it will likely take three months of the year on its own. It still pales in comparison to Danielewski’s cat saga.

9. Unclean Jobs for Women and Girls by Alissa Nutting - From what I’ve read, it’s a collection of stories about women who hold unglamorous, unlikely jobs. The cover of this book features a woman holding a fish and reminds me a lot of Leonor Fini's painting "Le Bout Du Monde."

10. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov – Not having read Lolita feels kind of like not having seen Planet of the Apes. Not that the two have anything to do with each other but for the fact that I also haven’t seen Planet of the Apes.

What are you excited to read this year?

Girl With the Flammable Pumpkin- Pumpkin Bread

"I think about that girl I read about in the paper- the one with the flammable skirt...She wore it to a party and was dancing, too close to the vanilla-smelling candles, and suddenly she lit up like a pine needle torch...But what I keep wondering is this: That first second when she felt her skirt burning, what did she think? Before she knew it was the candles, did she think she'd done it herself? With the amazing turns of her hips, and the warmth of the music inside her, did she believe, for even one glorious second, that her passion had arrived?" The Girl in the Flammable Skirt by Aimee Bender

I love this paragraph. I do. It's even more satisfying in the original context. I neglected to put some key sentences in the quote, because it is my personal opinion that this paragraph alone is so perfect that it could stand along as a piece of flash fiction and I don't feel right about copying an entire piece of work. Or the shorter version- go read this.

I carved the above pumpkin. And then I realized I had recreated this scene. The girl in the skirt. And her passion had arrived...

Anything worth doing takes passion. Something that makes you thrum with excitement as you realize that this was something you were meant to do. That this is something you want to do- that you can do- and the marriage of the two is so perfect that you can't help but be gleeful. It doesn't matter how long or hard the task is, you have the patience to see it through. To make things is my passion. I love to make things that weren't there before, to piece different things together to see them in a new light. I want to carve a pumpkin, to bake a batch of cookies, to write a perfect sentence. You don't have to love only one thing, but if you find a single thing to love, it will see you through anything. 

Even pumpkin carving...

There's something satisfying about gutting a pumpkin. The seeds are cold to the touch and covered in orange goop. They resist leaving the squash, hanging on by fibrous threads, until with a good yank they come free. And yet no matter how disgusting they feel on your skin, you still love scrapping the carcass clean of all seeds. Then comes to scalpel.

Insert Evil Grin Here.

The cut up carcass is then hoisted onto the porch and has a hot candle shoved inside of it. Very kid friendly, no? What are we teaching our children? How to be sadistic pumpkin murderers? Probably.

So tonight, let's burn some pumpkins! Who's with me! I'll get the torch...

...Or we could just make some pumpkin bread. Fine. Be like that.

Pumpkin Bread

(Recipe from: Jane Brody's Good Food Book)

1/2 cup of sugar

1/2 cup vegetable oil

3/4 cup pumpkin puree

2 eggs

1 cup all-purpose flour

1/2 cup whole wheat flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup chopped walnuts

1/2 cup blueberries

1/4 cup chocolate chips

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9 by 5 by 3-inch loaf pan.

Beat together sugar, oil, pumpkin, and eggs. 

In a separate bowl, stir together the flours, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt. Fold into pumpkin mixture, just enough to combine. Do not over mix.

Stir in remaining ingredients. Pour batter into pan.

Bake for an hour or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Let the bread cool in the pan on a rack for 10 minutes. Remove bread from pan and cool completely.

What do you love?

Iced Cupcakes and Fish- Amelia Bedelia

"And Amelia Bedelia iced her cakes. 'Those do look nice,' she said. 'And there's enough icing left over to ice the fish too.' Amelia Bedelia picked up a fish by its tail....She iced one side of the fish. Then she iced the other side."
"And suddenly everybody was laughing. Mrs. Rogers began to pour the tea. Amelia Bedelia served the chocolate cupcakes. And the ladies said they were the best cakes they had ever eaten."

Amelia Bedelia and the Surprise Shower by Peppy Parish, Illustrated by Fritz Siebel and Barbara Siebel Thomas

Amelia Bedelia, if you are not aware, is a maid from a children's book series, who takes her employeers' instructions too literally. An example of which is when told to draw the drapes, she sketches a picture of them. My personal favorite is when she dresses the chicken...in something resembling lederhosen. The only reason she never gets fired is that she's a great baker. Really.

I took this to heart as a kid. "What happened to the living room wall!" "I made it pretty with blue paint, Mommy!" Silence. "And I also made cupcakes!" "Oh, that's alright then." These books are fun for kids, have great drawings, and are An I Can Read Books or as I like to call them So You Think You Can Read? Well, do ya punk?


The chocolate covered fish always fascinated me as a kid. Even though I knew they were real fish that probably gave the one woman who ate them food poisoning, there's something undeniably attractive about that much chocolate. But everybody knows chocolate fish are sort of odd. You're more likely to see something like chocolate sea shells. I knew I would never come across it in real life.


Until I did.

It was on sale too! Can you imagine people not wanting chocolate in the shape of a fish?


But if you can not find a fish made out of solid chocolate, then this might be a fun alternative.


Oh, and let's make cupcakes too. Just 'cause.


Starlight Yellow Cake Cupcakes
(recipe by Betty Crocker)
makes 24 cupcakes

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cup butter(butter-flavored Crisco works as well), softened
1 1/4 cups milk
3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 large eggs

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put liners in a muffin tin.

Beat all ingredients together in a large bowl on low speed for 30 seconds, scraping bowl occasionally. Beat on high speed 3 minutes, scraping bowl occasionally. Pour batter into a muffin tin, filling each about 3/4 of the way full.

Bake for about 20 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center of a cupcake comes out clean. Cool cupcakes.


Frost with desired icing and add any toppings. I used sliced almonds, peanut butter candy and extra cake crumbs.


Chocolate Icing
(from Joy of Cooking)
makes 1 1/4 cups


3 ounces unsweetened chocolate
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 hot coffee/cream/milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups powdered sugar


Melt together the chocolate and butter in a double boiler. Remove from heat and stir in the liquids. Then gradually add the powdered sugar to taste. 


I recommend you make a double batch.


Chocolate Fish
Gummy Fish
Chocolate or Warm Leftover Chocolate Icing


Melt the chocolate in the microwave in a bowl for 15 seconds at a time until chocolate melts. Drizzle the hot chocolate or warm frosting over one side of the fish. Chill, then flip over and frost the other side. Use as garnish on your cupcakes or as a fun treat.

Poppy Seed Cookies

"The Master lit the spirit lamp under the little chafing dish and heated some butter before cutting half a dozen poppy heads open and tossing them in. Poppy was always served after a feast: it clarified the mind and stimulated the tongue, and made for rich conversation. It was traditional for the Master to cook it himself." (pg. 17) The Golden Compass 

Lemon poppy seed cookies. Great with tea or just as a light snack- what are you waiting for?

These cookies have it all. Poppy seeds? Check. Butter? Most definitely. Opiates? Y-no. No.

Okay, so not everything. 

But they're still delicious and sure to open up a conversation between you and whoever you choose to share these with. 

If you don't like poppy seeds, you won't like these at all. 

They're seedy little cookies that you can pop in your mouth whole. At times they may seem more seed than cookie. You may have the urge to try and plant one. Don't. You can never get that cookie back.

Of course, if you're having panserbjørn over for tea, you might want to make some muffins too. Maybe a double batch. They'll want to eat quite a lot before they challenge you to mortal combat. It's only good manners.

Poppy Seed Cookies

3/4 cups sugar 

2 cups flour 

1/2 tsp salt 

1 tsp baking powder 

1/2 cup poppy seeds 

2 eggs 

1/2 cup oil 

2 Tbs lemon rind 

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. 

Sift dry ingredients and add poppy seeds. Make well in flour mixture and add eggs, oil and rind. Mix together gently to form dough. 

Grease baking sheets. 

Roll the dough into tiny balls and place them onto the baking sheet. My baking sheets can hold about fifteen cookies- three per row, five rows in all.   

Make sure you have plenty of space between the dough circles. The cookies will expand in the oven. 

Get a cup with a flat bottom and fill the bottom of a small plate with sugar. You are going to be using the sugar as though it was flour on a rolling pin. It will keep the dough from sticking to the cup.

Cover the bottom of the cup in sugar by grinding it against the sugar pile. Then press one at a time the dough balls into tiny circles on the baking sheet. You will have to continually make sure the bottom of the cup is covered in sugar and use more sugar when necessary. 

Place the baking sheet in the oven.

Bake each batch for ten minutes. Cool on a rack.

The Importance of Eating Muffins

JACK: How you can sit there, calmly eating muffins, when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.

ALGERNON:  Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

JACK: I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.

ALGERNON: When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.

- Oscar Wilde, TheImportance of Being Earnest

Muffins are irresistible to everyone, except celiacs, masochists, and people of that sort. Why else would a celebrated wit such as Oscar Wilde choose the muffin over an abundance of British tea time treats? What about bread and butter, teacake, or those queer, porous crumpets? Clearly they are all inferior.

There comes a time each year when I crave pumpkin. (Some call it “fall.”) My seasonal instincts are telling me to eat those bulbous orange squashes that grace the entrances of every supermarket. I thought a lot about making pumpkin muffins. I knew I needed to make pumpkin muffins or I would think about them day and night until that thought circuit became a reality. 

This vegan pumpkin coconut muffin recipe is adapted from a Mark Bittman recipe clip from the New York Times site. (Watch the video and catch the Milan Kundera joke at the end.) Rather than the usual half all-purpose, half-whole wheat approach, Bittman uses whole wheat pastry flour and a cup of produce puree. I veganized this recipe by replacing the stick of butter with a half cup of coconut oil, which I also rubbed all over my skin. Try not to get it on your cuffs.

Some say the best way to prevent muffin-provoked violence is to make enough for everyone. This recipe makes 12-14 muffins and one small bowl of vegan pumpkin pudding.

Vegan Pumpkin Coconut Muffins

2 ½ cups whole wheat pastry flour

¾ cup maple syrup

2 teaspoons aluminum-free baking powder

½ teaspoon aluminum-free baking soda

½ teaspoon salt

1 cup pumpkin puree (Bake and puree peeled pumpkin or buy it canned like a square. Your choice.)

½ cup coconut milk

½ cup melted coconut oil

¼ cup unsweetened coconut flakes

1 teaspoon cinnamon

½ teaspoon ginger

¼ teaspoon nutmeg

Preheat to 375 degrees.

Combine the pastry flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a mixing bowl and stir. In another bowl, combine the pumpkin puree, coconut milk, coconut oil, and shredded coconut. Gently blend the two mixtures together and keep in mind that over-mixing will result in unpleasantly tough muffins. Grease a muffin tin with coconut oil or fill the tin with muffin cups. Pour in the batter.

Place the tin in the preheated oven and bake for 20-25 minutes.

As you wait, eat the remainder of the batter with a spatula. Rename the recipe “Vegan Pumpkin Pudding” and call it a night.

I try so hard not to look like one of those people who stuff their mouths incessantly, but it still seems like whenever anyone speaks to me I have a mouthful of corn chips. Call me Chipmunk Cheeks, but what can be done? Could I grow my own self-control with a green tablet in a tub of water and use the resulting spongy-thing to soak up my unbridled addictions? Probably not.

Cream and Berries: Better than Fairy Food?

"'Christopher, she blurted out, 'do you ever think about food?' 

'Food?' The heartbreaking control of the voice flickered a little, as if in surprise, and the next question was a real one. 'What do you mean?' 

'J-j-just food,' Kate stammered. 'Things to eat. I mean, they don't feed the mortal women on boiled grain and milk, like you, but with us it's always meat in wine and spices, every single day, richer than Christmas, and I'm so tired of it. I keep thinking all the time what it would be like to have a loaf of bread, a new loaf out of the oven, with a crust on it, and clotted cream and strawberries...'"

(pg. 182-3) The Perilous Gard by Elizabeth Marie Pope

Ah, The Perilous Gard, a book in which our heroine is forced to live with the fairy folk in order to keep her from revealing secrets of those around her. And in doing so, discovers that maybe meat isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Maybe she should ask for some oatmeal instead...


But when she is reunited with a former companion, she in an attempt to distract themselves from their fates, describes the most fabulous of all things- the proper way to eat a scone. Yes, that's right. You've been horribly improper in your scone eating method. Feel ashamed.


Select a scone.


Take the normal steps to insure that it is free of enchantment. If you're out of rowan branches, try mint leaves and a hint of malt powder. That way, you'll have a milkshake if the spell goes awry. And who doesn't crave a milkshake while they stand in the ruins of their house in the dead of winter? 


Fairies. Because they live underground.


Split the scone in half, creating extra surface area.


Have a jar of your favorite type of jam. The higher quality the better.


Scoop out a generous amount of jam and apply directly to the inside of the two scone halves.


If you live in a place where clotted cream is readily available, now is the time to go get some. For everyone else or those who don't want to go to the store, simply add a dollop of freshly whipped cream.

Freshly Whipped Cream (Accept No Substitutes)
1-2 tablespoons Sugar
1 cup of Heavy Whipping Cream


Pre-chill the mixing bowl.
Add both ingredients to a mixer with a whisk attachment. Whip at a high setting or alternatively using a handheld whisk until your wrist snaps off;(work in a pair if you can, trading off when you tire) or until stiff peaks form. This is when the cream will hold its shape when the whisk is lifted up slightly, creating a mountain top or a range, if you persist in testing more than once.


*Note of caution for those who are used to the canned-- fresh whipped cream will only last a few days in the fridge. It's best fresh, so don't make more than a few hours ahead if you can avoid it. Make sure to keep leftovers in an enclosed container or a bowl covered with plastic wrap. The cream will absorb any powerful odors, so don't leave it next to the garlic sauce unless you're pregnant.

The Most Intense Vegetable

“The beet is the murderer returned to the scene of the crime. The beet is what happens when the cherry finishes with the carrot. The beet is the ancient ancestor of the autumn moon, bearded, buried, all but fossilized; the dark green sails of the grounded moon-boat stitched with veins of primordial plasma; the kite string that once connected the moon to the Earth now a muddy whisker drilling desperately for rubies.”

-        -   Tom Robbins, the opening of Jitterbug Perfume

Is it possible to love beets more than Tom Robbins? For a few weeks, the beet was my obsession. It began with a quinoa salad in a quaint Quebec café, continuing passionately into bowl upon bowl of borscht, both warm-and-creamy and raw-and-gushing.

Robbins calls the beet “passionate,” perhaps because it resembles an uprooted organ hairy with arteries. Cut mercilessly into the beet and it will dribble magenta unicorn blood upon your impeccable white tablecloths and imitation granite. The scene of the crime will not be pretty sight and you will most certainly be caught red-handed. The evidence will be the ink on your fingerprints.

I ate my beets raw, from the skin to the flesh. Some say that the skin of the beet contains potent cancer-destroying compounds, so skip the peeling process in this raw beet salad. You know what other vegetable I love? Kale. I needed to include that somehow. This recipe is for one, because I never sit down and eat four servings of salad by myself.

Intense Beet Salad

2 leaves of kale, rinsed and dried
Squirt of lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
1 teaspoon of olive oil
1/4 teaspoon chili powder
1 handful of beet greens
1/4 cup grated beets, washed and unpeeled
1 handful of golden raisins
1 tablespoon of sunflower seeds


Viciously rip the kale into bit sized pieces and drop them in a bowl. Add lemon juice, sea salt, olive oil, and chili powder. Work the dressing into the kale with your bare hands so that it gets a bit wilted, otherwise it will probably slice your gums open. Mix in the beet greens and grated beets. Top with raisins and sunflower seeds.


The chili powder, raisins, and lemon give it a sweet-sour-spicy flavor that I find delicious. (Disclaimer: I'm also the sort of girl who would put Sriracha on ice cream just to get conflicting sensations. If you presented me with a standard garden salad of iceberg lettuce and chopped tomatoes, I would probably fall asleep with my face marinating in the ranch dressing. Perhaps I am an intense vegetable myself.)

Agatha Christie: Poisoned Milk or Buttermilk Substitute?

"I thought you'd come, perhaps because you were a mother--one of those whose children I'd killed. I hoped you'd come back another time, and then we'd have a glass of milk together. It was usually milk. Sometimes cocoa. Anyone who knew about me....Turning suddenly, she came towards (her), holding a glass of milk and smiling persuasively. 'Drink it up, she said. 'Just drink it up." (pg. 247) Agatha Christie.

Agatha sure like her poisons, doesn't she? Her stories are also so clever, so intricate, so good at tapping into emotional parts of our heads and making red herrings seem probable the way nobody else can, that it becomes near impossible to guess who the murderer is. So to avoid spoiling anyone, I've neglected to state the book's title in the above quote. You can click on Agatha Christie's name above if you wish to know the title. I've also removed the name of the (probable)poisoner and the (possible)poison-ee. 

Of course, who are we to judge a nice old/young/middle-aged/unicorn/flying fish if she/he seemingly wants to poison Name Removed? It's none of our business, really.

Perhaps the whole thing was blown completely out of proportion. Perhaps Name Also Removed was just asking Name Removed if she was thirsty. 

Wow... Name Removed must feel really stupid right now. Especially when you look at plot point, plot point, red herring, plot point, tree. Isn't it all much clearer now?

I thought so.

Of course, if it turns out the milk really was poisoned, then Name Removed might want to consider washing it down with wedding cake. I hear it's quite delicious, even with the arsenic aftertaste.

Here's a quick and easy substitute for buttermilk used in baking. I promise nobody will ever find you out...except Miss Marple perhaps, if you let her in while you are cooking.

Never do that. She's surprisingly nosey.

While this recipe probably won't kill you even if you did- don't drink this plain. Seriously. It's for baking with, not consuming. That's why it's known as sour milk.

And who wouldn't try to off themselves after drinking sour milk? 

Hmm...maybe the milk wasn't really poisoned after all.

Buttermilk Substitute(Sour Milk)-

Ingredients:

One tablespoon Vinegar

Cup o' Milk


Combine one tablespoon vinegar and one cup of milk. Let sit for five minutes. Swap for same amount of buttermilk as stated in recipe.