American Food

Americans like to eat. They like it a lot. They love eating so much that our restaurants seemed dedicated to creating more ways to eat more food at one time. Burgers stacked with omelettes or fried eggs, portobello mushrooms and fried onion rings.

Our buns are going through a revolution. Why should we be forced to eat basic bread? Our burgers shall be between the bigger and superior buns of the American public. Brioche or grilled? Wheat or white? Donuts or grilled cheese sandwiches?

After viewing these creations for myself, I've decided to come up with the next big thing in food.

Behold, the concoctions that will revolutionize meals forever.

Delivery available soon. Don't leave that couch.

The Workweek:

For those too busy to eat at normal mealtimes.

A Belgian waffle, coated in oatmeal and fried. Topped with yogurt and crushed sugary cereal. With a chicken-fried steak wrapped in bacon and a steak-fried chicken balanced over that. Fried linguine with fresh clams is tenderly positioned. A plain waffle tops that off. Waffle fries are sprinkled and topped with two grilled cheese sandwiches. An assortment of five cupcakes holds up a roast beef club sandwich, hold the onions. Lastly another fried oatmeal waffle closes off the sandwich. The assemblers use a mallet to pound a stake through the heart of the dish. Then they dipped the entire thing in milk chocolate laced with chili powder. Served w/ your choices of chips and a bottomless cup of soda.

Valentine Open-Heart Surgery:

What better way to say 'I love you', then sinking up your heart surgeries with this dessert.

A buttery cake for two in the shape of a heart, with alternating layers of cake and pink frosting, topped with a flour-less chocolate cake. A deep chocolate ganache is poured over the entire thing. Then it is wrapped in pie dough and deep fried. Then the heart shaped pastry is baked into a strawberry pie that is topped with a sugary cookie crust. Then the top of the pie is covered in strawberry ice cream and topped with a thick meringue. The entire thing is placed into the oven just long enough for the meringue to firm. Strawberry dipping sauce on the side. Scalpels provided. Can you find the heart shaped surprise in the center?

Grilled Cheesecake Milkshake:

A half a cup of whole milk, blended with a double layered piece of cheesecake, a dollop of frosting. Assembled with a "slice" of nature's drinkable bread on either end- high quality beer. A grilled cheese sandwich without the hassle of needing teeth.

The Importance of Eating Muffins

JACK: How you can sit there, calmly eating muffins, when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.

ALGERNON:  Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

JACK: I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.

ALGERNON: When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.

- Oscar Wilde, TheImportance of Being Earnest

Muffins are irresistible to everyone, except celiacs, masochists, and people of that sort. Why else would a celebrated wit such as Oscar Wilde choose the muffin over an abundance of British tea time treats? What about bread and butter, teacake, or those queer, porous crumpets? Clearly they are all inferior.

There comes a time each year when I crave pumpkin. (Some call it “fall.”) My seasonal instincts are telling me to eat those bulbous orange squashes that grace the entrances of every supermarket. I thought a lot about making pumpkin muffins. I knew I needed to make pumpkin muffins or I would think about them day and night until that thought circuit became a reality. 

This vegan pumpkin coconut muffin recipe is adapted from a Mark Bittman recipe clip from the New York Times site. (Watch the video and catch the Milan Kundera joke at the end.) Rather than the usual half all-purpose, half-whole wheat approach, Bittman uses whole wheat pastry flour and a cup of produce puree. I veganized this recipe by replacing the stick of butter with a half cup of coconut oil, which I also rubbed all over my skin. Try not to get it on your cuffs.

Some say the best way to prevent muffin-provoked violence is to make enough for everyone. This recipe makes 12-14 muffins and one small bowl of vegan pumpkin pudding.

Vegan Pumpkin Coconut Muffins

2 ½ cups whole wheat pastry flour

¾ cup maple syrup

2 teaspoons aluminum-free baking powder

½ teaspoon aluminum-free baking soda

½ teaspoon salt

1 cup pumpkin puree (Bake and puree peeled pumpkin or buy it canned like a square. Your choice.)

½ cup coconut milk

½ cup melted coconut oil

¼ cup unsweetened coconut flakes

1 teaspoon cinnamon

½ teaspoon ginger

¼ teaspoon nutmeg

Preheat to 375 degrees.

Combine the pastry flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a mixing bowl and stir. In another bowl, combine the pumpkin puree, coconut milk, coconut oil, and shredded coconut. Gently blend the two mixtures together and keep in mind that over-mixing will result in unpleasantly tough muffins. Grease a muffin tin with coconut oil or fill the tin with muffin cups. Pour in the batter.

Place the tin in the preheated oven and bake for 20-25 minutes.

As you wait, eat the remainder of the batter with a spatula. Rename the recipe “Vegan Pumpkin Pudding” and call it a night.

I try so hard not to look like one of those people who stuff their mouths incessantly, but it still seems like whenever anyone speaks to me I have a mouthful of corn chips. Call me Chipmunk Cheeks, but what can be done? Could I grow my own self-control with a green tablet in a tub of water and use the resulting spongy-thing to soak up my unbridled addictions? Probably not.

Agatha Christie: Poisoned Milk or Buttermilk Substitute?

"I thought you'd come, perhaps because you were a mother--one of those whose children I'd killed. I hoped you'd come back another time, and then we'd have a glass of milk together. It was usually milk. Sometimes cocoa. Anyone who knew about me....Turning suddenly, she came towards (her), holding a glass of milk and smiling persuasively. 'Drink it up, she said. 'Just drink it up." (pg. 247) Agatha Christie.

Agatha sure like her poisons, doesn't she? Her stories are also so clever, so intricate, so good at tapping into emotional parts of our heads and making red herrings seem probable the way nobody else can, that it becomes near impossible to guess who the murderer is. So to avoid spoiling anyone, I've neglected to state the book's title in the above quote. You can click on Agatha Christie's name above if you wish to know the title. I've also removed the name of the (probable)poisoner and the (possible)poison-ee. 

Of course, who are we to judge a nice old/young/middle-aged/unicorn/flying fish if she/he seemingly wants to poison Name Removed? It's none of our business, really.

Perhaps the whole thing was blown completely out of proportion. Perhaps Name Also Removed was just asking Name Removed if she was thirsty. 

Wow... Name Removed must feel really stupid right now. Especially when you look at plot point, plot point, red herring, plot point, tree. Isn't it all much clearer now?

I thought so.

Of course, if it turns out the milk really was poisoned, then Name Removed might want to consider washing it down with wedding cake. I hear it's quite delicious, even with the arsenic aftertaste.

Here's a quick and easy substitute for buttermilk used in baking. I promise nobody will ever find you out...except Miss Marple perhaps, if you let her in while you are cooking.

Never do that. She's surprisingly nosey.

While this recipe probably won't kill you even if you did- don't drink this plain. Seriously. It's for baking with, not consuming. That's why it's known as sour milk.

And who wouldn't try to off themselves after drinking sour milk? 

Hmm...maybe the milk wasn't really poisoned after all.

Buttermilk Substitute(Sour Milk)-

Ingredients:

One tablespoon Vinegar

Cup o' Milk


Combine one tablespoon vinegar and one cup of milk. Let sit for five minutes. Swap for same amount of buttermilk as stated in recipe.