American Food

Americans like to eat. They like it a lot. They love eating so much that our restaurants seemed dedicated to creating more ways to eat more food at one time. Burgers stacked with omelettes or fried eggs, portobello mushrooms and fried onion rings.

Our buns are going through a revolution. Why should we be forced to eat basic bread? Our burgers shall be between the bigger and superior buns of the American public. Brioche or grilled? Wheat or white? Donuts or grilled cheese sandwiches?

After viewing these creations for myself, I've decided to come up with the next big thing in food.

Behold, the concoctions that will revolutionize meals forever.

Delivery available soon. Don't leave that couch.

The Workweek:

For those too busy to eat at normal mealtimes.

A Belgian waffle, coated in oatmeal and fried. Topped with yogurt and crushed sugary cereal. With a chicken-fried steak wrapped in bacon and a steak-fried chicken balanced over that. Fried linguine with fresh clams is tenderly positioned. A plain waffle tops that off. Waffle fries are sprinkled and topped with two grilled cheese sandwiches. An assortment of five cupcakes holds up a roast beef club sandwich, hold the onions. Lastly another fried oatmeal waffle closes off the sandwich. The assemblers use a mallet to pound a stake through the heart of the dish. Then they dipped the entire thing in milk chocolate laced with chili powder. Served w/ your choices of chips and a bottomless cup of soda.

Valentine Open-Heart Surgery:

What better way to say 'I love you', then sinking up your heart surgeries with this dessert.

A buttery cake for two in the shape of a heart, with alternating layers of cake and pink frosting, topped with a flour-less chocolate cake. A deep chocolate ganache is poured over the entire thing. Then it is wrapped in pie dough and deep fried. Then the heart shaped pastry is baked into a strawberry pie that is topped with a sugary cookie crust. Then the top of the pie is covered in strawberry ice cream and topped with a thick meringue. The entire thing is placed into the oven just long enough for the meringue to firm. Strawberry dipping sauce on the side. Scalpels provided. Can you find the heart shaped surprise in the center?

Grilled Cheesecake Milkshake:

A half a cup of whole milk, blended with a double layered piece of cheesecake, a dollop of frosting. Assembled with a "slice" of nature's drinkable bread on either end- high quality beer. A grilled cheese sandwich without the hassle of needing teeth.

The Perfect Drinking Game - Downton Abbey

"I'm a woman, Mary. I can be as contrary as I choose." Lady Grantham

And so we drank.

Herbal tea, that is. Sunday night was the third episode of the second season of Downton Abbey aired, and as Brittany and I were in the same room on this joyous occasion it only seemed right that we have a viewing party. But what would be the theme?

'Of course!' Thought Brittany, 'An Edwardian tea. With tiny cupcakes and sandwiches. Where's the butter? Do you have any margarine?'

'Of course!' Said I, 'The tea is the thing! A lovely Victorian tea party.'

'Edwardian.'

'Gesundheit.'

While scouring the internet for the perfect recipes to use, we came across other articles about parties hosted by other Downton lovers. One thing caught our eye- a drinking game. The rules were simple. When Lady Grantham, played by the incredibly talented Maggie Smith, said a witty one-liner, everybody took a drink.

This amused us, but we had no wish to die of alcohol poisoning, as those who laughingly thought up the game before must have done. Let us now bow our heads in silence for their departure from this world...

It was decided that the cakes should be vegan and the frosting too. The sandwiches were decidedly not, as they were made with butter and a bit of brie. I refer you to Lady Grantham on this one.

We scuttled about, creating our sandwiches and making our cakes. Then we positioned ourselves in front of the television, and raised our mugs.

***

I shall now give you, dear reader, a play-by-play of the events that took place.

"He's going to die! No, sorry, I meant his mother. Definitely his mother."
"Dead. Dead...sooo dead."
"I knew that was going to happen. It was just like Gilmore Girls when Lorelai sings karaoke and Luke walks in."

Iced Cupcakes and Fish- Amelia Bedelia

"And Amelia Bedelia iced her cakes. 'Those do look nice,' she said. 'And there's enough icing left over to ice the fish too.' Amelia Bedelia picked up a fish by its tail....She iced one side of the fish. Then she iced the other side."
"And suddenly everybody was laughing. Mrs. Rogers began to pour the tea. Amelia Bedelia served the chocolate cupcakes. And the ladies said they were the best cakes they had ever eaten."

Amelia Bedelia and the Surprise Shower by Peppy Parish, Illustrated by Fritz Siebel and Barbara Siebel Thomas

Amelia Bedelia, if you are not aware, is a maid from a children's book series, who takes her employeers' instructions too literally. An example of which is when told to draw the drapes, she sketches a picture of them. My personal favorite is when she dresses the chicken...in something resembling lederhosen. The only reason she never gets fired is that she's a great baker. Really.

I took this to heart as a kid. "What happened to the living room wall!" "I made it pretty with blue paint, Mommy!" Silence. "And I also made cupcakes!" "Oh, that's alright then." These books are fun for kids, have great drawings, and are An I Can Read Books or as I like to call them So You Think You Can Read? Well, do ya punk?


The chocolate covered fish always fascinated me as a kid. Even though I knew they were real fish that probably gave the one woman who ate them food poisoning, there's something undeniably attractive about that much chocolate. But everybody knows chocolate fish are sort of odd. You're more likely to see something like chocolate sea shells. I knew I would never come across it in real life.


Until I did.

It was on sale too! Can you imagine people not wanting chocolate in the shape of a fish?


But if you can not find a fish made out of solid chocolate, then this might be a fun alternative.


Oh, and let's make cupcakes too. Just 'cause.


Starlight Yellow Cake Cupcakes
(recipe by Betty Crocker)
makes 24 cupcakes

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cup butter(butter-flavored Crisco works as well), softened
1 1/4 cups milk
3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 large eggs

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put liners in a muffin tin.

Beat all ingredients together in a large bowl on low speed for 30 seconds, scraping bowl occasionally. Beat on high speed 3 minutes, scraping bowl occasionally. Pour batter into a muffin tin, filling each about 3/4 of the way full.

Bake for about 20 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center of a cupcake comes out clean. Cool cupcakes.


Frost with desired icing and add any toppings. I used sliced almonds, peanut butter candy and extra cake crumbs.


Chocolate Icing
(from Joy of Cooking)
makes 1 1/4 cups


3 ounces unsweetened chocolate
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 hot coffee/cream/milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups powdered sugar


Melt together the chocolate and butter in a double boiler. Remove from heat and stir in the liquids. Then gradually add the powdered sugar to taste. 


I recommend you make a double batch.


Chocolate Fish
Gummy Fish
Chocolate or Warm Leftover Chocolate Icing


Melt the chocolate in the microwave in a bowl for 15 seconds at a time until chocolate melts. Drizzle the hot chocolate or warm frosting over one side of the fish. Chill, then flip over and frost the other side. Use as garnish on your cupcakes or as a fun treat.