Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentines Single's Dinner for Two

You walk into the your apartment and close the door behind you. The lights are dimmed and a faint sound drifts through the air. You make a mental note to pay your electricity.

A delicious aroma fills your senses. You stumble, blindly into the kitchen- narrowly avoiding falling to your doom via a stack of misplaced magazines. The plastic table is set for dinner. You sniff again, inhaling the fishy scent.

A light tap on your shoulder alerts you to another's presence. You turn and a fury paw swats at your face.

You have stumbled upon a Valentine's Single's Dinner for Two. Meow.

A tuna steak is set at your place. A half empty bottle of wine sits next to it uncorked. On the other side is a round dish. Fluffy is written on it in marker. A can of cat food in the center with a can opener laid delicately across.

You choose not to question how your cat managed to cook tuna, but cannot manage the can opener.

You are wise human.

You eat your dinner in a daze, trying not to gaze into the glowing eyes following your every move across the table. Finally, you finish your food. You rise to leave, only to find a paw on your wrist, stopping you. Claws sink slowly into your shirt as you freeze. Then you slowly sit back down. The claws retract.

It's time for dessert. The box confuses you for a moment. Pizza? But then you slowly open it and smell the sugar and butter. Perhaps being single isn't so bad after all. The message confuses you, but no matter, you're clearly out of your gourd. Might as well enjoy it.

Now where did you put that catnip?

Monday, February 6, 2012

American Food

Americans like to eat. They like it a lot. They love eating so much that our restaurants seemed dedicated to creating more ways to eat more food at one time. Burgers stacked with omelettes or fried eggs, portobello mushrooms and fried onion rings.

Our buns are going through a revolution. Why should we be forced to eat basic bread? Our burgers shall be between the bigger and superior buns of the American public. Brioche or grilled? Wheat or white? Donuts or grilled cheese sandwiches?

After viewing these creations for myself, I've decided to come up with the next big thing in food.

Behold, the concoctions that will revolutionize meals forever.

Delivery available soon. Don't leave that couch.

The Workweek:

For those too busy to eat at normal mealtimes.

A Belgian waffle, coated in oatmeal and fried. Topped with yogurt and crushed sugary cereal. With a chicken-fried steak wrapped in bacon and a steak-fried chicken balanced over that. Fried linguine with fresh clams is tenderly positioned. A plain waffle tops that off. Waffle fries are sprinkled and topped with two grilled cheese sandwiches. An assortment of five cupcakes holds up a roast beef club sandwich, hold the onions. Lastly another fried oatmeal waffle closes off the sandwich. The assemblers use a mallet to pound a stake through the heart of the dish. Then they dipped the entire thing in milk chocolate laced with chili powder. Served w/ your choices of chips and a bottomless cup of soda.

Valentine Open-Heart Surgery:

What better way to say 'I love you', then sinking up your heart surgeries with this dessert.

A buttery cake for two in the shape of a heart, with alternating layers of cake and pink frosting, topped with a flour-less chocolate cake. A deep chocolate ganache is poured over the entire thing. Then it is wrapped in pie dough and deep fried. Then the heart shaped pastry is baked into a strawberry pie that is topped with a sugary cookie crust. Then the top of the pie is covered in strawberry ice cream and topped with a thick meringue. The entire thing is placed into the oven just long enough for the meringue to firm. Strawberry dipping sauce on the side. Scalpels provided. Can you find the heart shaped surprise in the center?

Grilled Cheesecake Milkshake:

A half a cup of whole milk, blended with a double layered piece of cheesecake, a dollop of frosting. Assembled with a "slice" of nature's drinkable bread on either end- high quality beer. A grilled cheese sandwich without the hassle of needing teeth.